Out of the Box:
Passages in our Journey

by Roxanne Ross

Reprinted with permission from The Pinnacle, newsletter of the TGEA

There is uniqueness to each of our personal stories, but I perceive so many similar stages of passage, I offer a list of phases in our transgender development. My own journey has touched most of them. These are not in any fixed order...

Denial

We know something is different and there is discomfort, or worry so we attempt to ignore or deny we have the 'problem'. Shame plays a large part if we are exposed and have an unpleasant response given to us.

Hiding

Since we believe we cannot admit our need openly because we think we will be hurt in attempting to reveal it, we submerge ourselves.

Overcompensating

We may try to be more overt in presenting our assigned birth gender to mask our true feelings, such as going into very traditionally macho professions, or acting out a highly defined gender persona.

Bargaining

We try to release ourselves from our dilemma by bargaining with God...for instance saying (and sincerely meaning it), "If I purge all my clothes, I promise I will never do this again!"

Fantasizing

In lieu of any opportunity to be able to dress/act in our desired gender, we enter into fantasy life, which can become very out of balance, unrealistic, developing into a constant taunt to our daily real life situation.

Despair

The loss of hope looms before us as our life progresses. Will I go to my grave having never experienced my dream?

If the result of all this brings us to a decision to begin telling others, then we start a new phase group that is an ever-expanding series of revelations and reevaluations:

The First Telling

We find the courage (or are forced through exposure) to openly articulate who/what we are, to the best of our ability. The results are often much different than our expectations, but fear is the key emotion leading up to our revelation.

Release

We realize the world did not end in telling someone. The euphoria is incredible.

Response Evaluations

We take what happened and consider what should or could be the next step. The potential paths diverge greatly here because each situation is unique. But the major decision is to either to retreat and hope to contain the damage or to forge ahead.

Discovery

If given opportunities to begin adopting the gender role/appearance of our choosing, we begin our delayed gender exploration as teenagers, emotionally and experientially. We try new things, going with our greatest fantasies first, in concern that this may not last. We panic and begin to cram in everything we are able before our 'good fortune' in being let out of jail proves short-lived.

Awareness

We learn more about ourselves as we explore.

If we are blessed with a support group, email group or a personal counselor, we how have mentors to help us navigate this new unexplored territory. We are flooded with new ideas and possibilities, and the widening horizon spreads out in front of us.

Reality Shock

Then our limitations and barriers come into stark relief as we consider what out options are. Once the cork is out of the bottle, it becomes ever more painful to admit that there are still limits, sharp borders and walls, as troubling new problems arise with our new freedom.

Discouragement/Frustration

The limits are hard to take. We may become depressed or bitter or angry. We might become an activist in order to change the 'way things are' in society, or withdraw in defeat.

Daring Deeds

If our desires are strong enough, we begin to push the envelope in our gender expressions. Whether beginning to add to our everyday wardrobe in subtle ways, or grow out our hair and nails, or add pierced ears, we begin to find ways to add to our gender identity in overt ways.

Redefinition

We begin to describe ourselves more concretely, as in "I am one person, not two (bifurcated)." or "I have always been female inside, now I am merely showing it on the outside." Reading materials and hearing others stores may add to our vocabulary, but also confuse us as we hear so many conflicting directions. Our desire is to find a pathway but we may become confused with having so many to choose from.

Decisions

We move to the point of deciding to take concrete actions, but they are not well defined.

Goals

We begin to set specific goals for our progress toward some desired culmination, whether we know exactly what that culmination would be!

Plan of Action

As we discern more what our goals are, we set in motion various specific actions. As they succeed we follow them with more actions. If we are met with defeat, we may pause for awhile, retreat or readjust our goals.

Reassessment

If we have fortitude and the means to continue moving in some direction, we reevaluate and use the new knowledge to guide the next steps.

Other phases certainly may be included. There are aspects of my gender journey I have not faced and am unsure how to describe them adequately. I leave it to other to continue redefining and honing this list. Most likely, each one of us will pass through a number of these phases. It is my hope this will become a framework to use as we do.

More of Roxanne Ross's writings are available at the Grace & Lace website.

This newsletter is a labor of love for of our contributing editrixes. Please join the staff by submitting your own insights into the world of cross-dressing. Send your input to: Rachel Boyd, or R.R. Boyd, P.O. Box 2252, Ashburn, VA 20146-9152.

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Updated: 05/08/04